You know how you can remember with absolute clarity the first time you heard a word, saw someone, read something etc? I was just staring into the rain a few days ago when for no reason, Genesis 3 popped into my head. The story about how God came down in the cool of the day to have His usual walk with the occupants of Eden but His walk companions were nowhere to be found; the wrong move (their absence that fateful evening) that began the catastrophe that has thrust the human race into a race (no pun intended) against evil such as we are yet to fully comprehend.
‘Where are you?’ That innocent question, fills my mind now. Suddenly I am wondering where we all are in our daily walk…(maybe I should stick to questioning myself) with whomever or whatever we walked. What will happen if I am looked for, in the spot where I (naturally) ought to be and I am not found?? Where am I in the cool of the day?? Where (exactly) am I, now?
(One of) my greatest fear is this: something happens, usually bad, I am resolved to make changes in my life, I get determined to change, and I am gingered to do things. But no sooner has that thing passed than I am back to ‘normal.’ It is like a (vicious) circle oh. My present mantra is live. As in, live. I keep thinking I cannot die before I have lived, that, right there, must be a punishable offence. What?! With everything I have inside me? People need me. Things need me. I am the solution to some problems!
So live, determined I to me. But live how? Doing what? The things that please me? Make me happy? Make others happy? Am I the only one who has this nagging feeling that I am moving, but I am not making progress, that I still am not doing anything? Am I the only one who thinks I do not have what it takes to make the change that is needed to transform and …yes, change? Am I the only one who thinks I am too small in the scheme of things to really make a …yes, change?
Am I the only one who has this gaping, dissatisfied and skittering hole in my chest?
We need to accept that starting small is the way. It is the combination of the little things that come to make the big difference. So, we have to think that no matter what ‘small’ thing we do, change is taking effect…it is.
Lest I bore you with my (usual) endless questions, the question becomes relevant: ‘Where are you?'
Be Free Oh.
*sighing* trust me Zee, you are not the only one with the crazy questions running around their head. I for one have same thoughts and I for one always end up telling myself and or God the same thing (in various versions of course) 'PapaGod, its not small if it brags on you. It's not small if it somehow points to your light. So be it a smile or a dash of money or volunteering or maybe even just in being still in your presence. If I get the feel that you are in it, then I am aight. A star looks so tiny from the earth but we all know it is one huge manifestation of God's glory. So 'Where am I?. Zee, I have to belive I am where I am meant to be......abi?
ReplyDeletehmmm really where am i? i have to ask myself. With the recent happenings in the country i have been asking myself the same question? i will try to be at that place when God comes down at the cool of the day. I will also try to do everything i have made up my mind to do in this my lifetime. Starting small is the key.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I think i know what i am going to blog about.
www.secretlilies.blogspot.com
Intriguing piece! Love the question to one self! If people are honest, you will see that you are not alone and people have deeper questions about their capabilities!
ReplyDeleteWe only need an environment where we are free to vent our real self. Talking of change, it must start with our 'self'.
I had an interesting conversation with my sister recently. She says she wants to be a giver/philanthropist, but she finds it hard to give her nanny because she feels the nanny is ungrateful. My question to her how then can you give the larger community since you will not be able to assess how grateful they are. Her answer is since she will never know it wont bother her.
Its so hard to do the right things, I shudder when I think what will be the case, if it was our generation God placed in EDEN
Let's be free ooooo
Millie