I Chose to Remember

Are you afraid of where you are? Physically or mentally? If yes, you are not alone. I am in that House of Fear, right along with you, as are so many many others, I am sure.

Since I am not privy to your deepest fears, allow me to vocalize some of mine. 

I am in a good place.

By all accounts, and in comparison to where I am coming from, this is such a good place; I am not denied the basic necessities of life. 

But deep inside there is an almost crippling fear. A big fat one that tells me, what if you lose it all tomorrow? What if you are back to that dark place where everything was such a struggle, and well, dark? And when you come from a place like that, no matter how comfortable you get, there may always be the niggling fear that you might lose it all and go right back to where you were. Sometimes the thought propels me out of sleep. 

But I think it is important to accept where you are now. And enjoy it. I tell myself this often. I am aware that I did not arrive here through any special feat of my own but by great mercy, because being ‘here’ was truly unimaginable. I am talking about having the simple comfort of life that we so often take for granted. If you have never gone to sleep hungry, never had to worry about what you and the people depending on you will eat on the morrow, if everything you need come to you without conscious thought, then I am afraid you cannot comprehend what we are talking about. 

So, in not forgetting and while we must appreciate the simple things that make our day comfortable, we should not take them for granted. Having struggled so much, so hard and for so long to survive, we should epitomize compassion, generosity and selflessness, not become slaves to these things simply because they eluded us in the past. 

Now when I hold a plate of food – it doesn’t matter what is on it, what matters is that I didn’t have to think twice about it being there; I didn't scrimp and save and plan endlessly - when I slide my feet into my shoes, or lie in bed or walk around my house, when I hear the sound of my chimes, I remember, and I am grateful. Refusing to allow morbid thoughts of the past dampen the excitement of the present, roping me into depression. I try.

Needless to say, even though life is still not perfect (it can never be!) there are those who will begrudge us these necessities; they try to make us think that we are undeserving. But that is their problem, not yours. Because no matter how much people think they know you, they cannot truly identify with your emotional, physical or mental journey. No. They have to have walked in your shoes to get it. How can they understand that in your own mind you are still running in disbelief until a voice whispers to you, "you are home now" to calm you down? 

Perhaps, right now your story is the reverse, and you feel that the dark tunnel is so endless and that you are never going to come out of it, it isn’t, and you will! It may be that your fear is not along these lines, but that is also okay because no matter the shape it assumes, when it tries to drown you, tell yourself that is it only a matter of time, because this too must pass. And when it does, remember.

Just imagine if we were to look like what we have been through, I doubt I will even recognize me. I highly doubt it...

Be free oh.