Friday, February 10

In Pain..?

I do not know why this is coming right now…because this gist isn’t due for another (I hope not too long) time, and in full details sef! But…

As we all know this year, (at least in Nigeria) started off on a very terrible note.
At a point, I felt that what was happening in the country was a reflection of the war/struggle going on in my personal experiences. Bomb explosions, killing rampage, oil subsidy removal etc etc…they happened, are happening in my own life, only in a different way. But the one that took me a long time to identify with was the ‘OccupyNigeria’ movement…strategic and instructive, but I missed its insignificance in my own situation.

I tried to search through the last few years of my life to see if I have ever had any experience that totally stomped me, and made me feel like God had changed location, that made me feel He doesn’t care, because it seem like He is not listening to me now…and I couldn’t find any, not because my life has been perfect, far from the truth,  my life has been one constant drama after the other, this present situation is just on a different scale. It has me thoroughly overwhelmed, confused, and so troubled. I have lost sleep (literally), lost appetite, cried as I walked, worked or drove, disillusioned, sick, actually came awake after a short sleep one day and could not move, went on to puke for hours, alone, have been diagnosed with ulcer, all because it seemed to me that God just isn’t there! Where is He?? I have been in situations in the past  where I thought He had no business, and I mean that apart from His sovereignty that permits Him to act out of character sometimes, He had no business getting me out of it because I walked into it with eyes wide open! So, where is He now, when my mistake is honest? Why are things going from bad to worse?? I thought I never ever had to be reminded of some experiences in my life anymore? Why is this happening?? Ok, I have apologized and repented of bad judgment, why can’t I get out of this already?! Questions and more questions. Tears. Pain.

But hang on! He is right here. He is not sleeping, He is not deaf, He does care. I may not get what I need physically but I lie if I tell you that God is not with me: on twitter, on Face Book, at meetings, in everything I read , in every song, in form of my very incredible Wall of Fame (friends). He hasn’t left me without some measure of comfort and favour! He has not. I have come out of insomnia, now I eat (except I chose not to), fear is gradually releasing its horrible hold on me. My heart palpitations have stopped. I am gaining boldness enough to say, ‘oh well, I am in His hands, He knows what He is doing.’ And then I go to sleep or to eat. In fact, my problem these days is that I do not wake up if my alarm isn’t set! Problem still there, but I sleep, in trust. #Isleep!!!!

To my shame, because I cried for so long and  the answer stared me in the face but I couldn’t see it, I have only just come to the realization that all I had to do was speak the right words! Gbam. That’s it. O tan. Change my language and my perception, and really, just really, stop wearing God out with many prayers and move on to something else. He has assured me in every way possible that I am not alone in what I am feeling because even I know that this is one area where I need to be disciplined so I don’t kill myself by myself sometime in the future!

You may identify, in fact your situation may be worse, you may be shaking your head thinking, this girl does not understand where I stand…true, but we all think the grass is greener on the other side anyway, however, as I have no idea why I am writing this now, though I plan to sometime in the future when my deliverance is complete,  it is possible that you need this encouragement from me! Please know that God always shows up. I can swear to that…you can too, if only you can come out of self-pity..He’s shown up for you before. if only we can wait, if only I can wait…if only I can say to me: ‘just a little while…a little while longer!’ AH!! Yes, I also snicker when I read or hear some assurances. Sometimes (actually majority of the time) when He says a word to me, I automatically snort and snicker…’yeah right!’ before I come to myself and say ‘thank you!’

Deut 30: 11-14 was what He used to get me out of a tight mess so many years ago…it came back to me a few days ago…there is something there. You catch it too.

On a final note, a friend said to me just this morning when I kidded again,  ‘but Jesus walks beside us to brighten the journey.’ It’s true. We never feel like it, but don’t you think only a wicked father leaves his children comfortless? That would depend on which father you know sha o....

This is from a sister in intense pain; you don’t have to bear yours alone OOOHHHH.

Be Free oh.

8 comments:

  1. Deep and timely! Everyone has those watershed moments when all seems dark and gloomy yet there is a Balm in Gilead. If only we can look up and away from the pain that consumes us, we'll realise that our salvation is quite close and often right there with us. Sometimes, His grace is simply sufficient unto us while we bear the thorn (live with)that troubles us!

    Shalom Zouzou!

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  2. Hmmm, 'ZM'...this initials...feels like I commented on my blog! show yasef jor!
    Thanks for the comment...if only those watershed moments last but a little while!

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  3. Zou, i praise God for you and all of us, finally you are sleeping! God has purpose and will even turn our mistakes to work out for our good. Im glad u r out and on ur way out, be free o!

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  4. I was reading an article yesterday and a quote in it leapt at me...i quote it directly 'Sometimes we become so addicted to the next best thing, we miss the blessings of the meantime.'
    It just hit me that ALL the time, my life is defined by my current struggle or failure or pain or tiredness. It just colours my whole existence and all i can think about is life after this one passes...but time is moving and God still expects me to make the best of my life in the moment. I've learnt in my few years on earth that this life is just not simple and easy, the older you grow, the more your eyes seem to open and the more your burdens seem to increase...at least that has been my experience... but as you've so aptly put it, He's right there in it with us...letting that reality sink in is EVERYTHING...
    God be with you sister and hold you in the crook of His arms...

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  5. dear i can tell you that sometimes i just feel that God isn't listening to me or helping me at all, but after my pitying mood, when i seat down and analyze it i realized that God really does love me. And that He will perfect everything He has started in my life.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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  6. It is in such moments of intense pain that we learn poignant lessons that stay with us for a lifetime. I know what it is like to cry every night and question God's love, but I've come to realise that my tears don't change God. I can't twist God's arm or blackmail him into answering my prayers; it's in my best interest to learn how to enjoy the good times and the bad times without a stinking attitude. All the best Zou.

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  7. Appreciate your comment, Oluchi

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  8. I was reading something late last night and i felt like I was hit by lightening. Honest. It was this guy saying that he is great at what he does because of all the mistakes he has made. I am paraphrasing but that it the gist of it. Now, we all know we are meant to learn from our mistakes, right? But what hit me was the fact that the core of who I am today, the things I know for sure about myself have ALL been formed and learned in the midst of FAILURE and PAIN. Sometimes mine and sometimes the failures of others that had direct pain impact on me. Still, I learnt deep stuff about me THANKS to the pain those failures caused. What am I saying? The most recent painful failure of my life's journey is NO different. And boy oh boy, have I learned some things. About others. But most importantly about me. And they have been seared into my being. SO what am I talking about Part 2? Embrace the pain. It's proof of life. Embrace the failures. You fail. You are not a failure. People who don't make mistakes tend to answer to those who do......Anyway, long comment short, the pain that does not kill us, only makes us stronger, wiser and more frustrating to the devil.

    (Yes, I am one of those rambling blog commentators *blushing shamefully* Lol!)

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