I do not know why this is coming right now…because this gist isn’t due for another (I hope not too long) time, and in full details sef! But…
As we all know this year, (at least in Nigeria) started off on a very terrible note.
At a point, I felt that what was happening in the country was a reflection of the war/struggle going on in my personal experiences. Bomb explosions, killing rampage, oil subsidy removal etc etc…they happened, are happening in my own life, only in a different way. But the one that took me a long time to identify with was the ‘OccupyNigeria’ movement…strategic and instructive, but I missed its insignificance in my own situation.
I tried to search through the last few years of my life to see if I have ever had any experience that totally stomped me, and made me feel like God had changed location, that made me feel He doesn’t care, because it seem like He is not listening to me now…and I couldn’t find any, not because my life has been perfect, far from the truth, my life has been one constant drama after the other, this present situation is just on a different scale. It has me thoroughly overwhelmed, confused, and so troubled. I have lost sleep (literally), lost appetite, cried as I walked, worked or drove, disillusioned, sick, actually came awake after a short sleep one day and could not move, went on to puke for hours, alone, have been diagnosed with ulcer, all because it seemed to me that God just isn’t there! Where is He?? I have been in situations in the past where I thought He had no business, and I mean that apart from His sovereignty that permits Him to act out of character sometimes, He had no business getting me out of it because I walked into it with eyes wide open! So, where is He now, when my mistake is honest? Why are things going from bad to worse?? I thought I never ever had to be reminded of some experiences in my life anymore? Why is this happening?? Ok, I have apologized and repented of bad judgment, why can’t I get out of this already?! Questions and more questions. Tears. Pain.
But hang on! He is right here. He is not sleeping, He is not deaf, He does care. I may not get what I need physically but I lie if I tell you that God is not with me: on twitter, on Face Book, at meetings, in everything I read , in every song, in form of my very incredible Wall of Fame (friends). He hasn’t left me without some measure of comfort and favour! He has not. I have come out of insomnia, now I eat (except I chose not to), fear is gradually releasing its horrible hold on me. My heart palpitations have stopped. I am gaining boldness enough to say, ‘oh well, I am in His hands, He knows what He is doing.’ And then I go to sleep or to eat. In fact, my problem these days is that I do not wake up if my alarm isn’t set! Problem still there, but I sleep, in trust. #Isleep!!!!
To my shame, because I cried for so long and the answer stared me in the face but I couldn’t see it, I have only just come to the realization that all I had to do was speak the right words! Gbam. That’s it. O tan. Change my language and my perception, and really, just really, stop wearing God out with many prayers and move on to something else. He has assured me in every way possible that I am not alone in what I am feeling because even I know that this is one area where I need to be disciplined so I don’t kill myself by myself sometime in the future!
You may identify, in fact your situation may be worse, you may be shaking your head thinking, this girl does not understand where I stand…true, but we all think the grass is greener on the other side anyway, however, as I have no idea why I am writing this now, though I plan to sometime in the future when my deliverance is complete, it is possible that you need this encouragement from me! Please know that God always shows up. I can swear to that…you can too, if only you can come out of self-pity..He’s shown up for you before. if only we can wait, if only I can wait…if only I can say to me: ‘just a little while…a little while longer!’ AH!! Yes, I also snicker when I read or hear some assurances. Sometimes (actually majority of the time) when He says a word to me, I automatically snort and snicker…’yeah right!’ before I come to myself and say ‘thank you!’
Deut 30: 11-14 was what He used to get me out of a tight mess so many years ago…it came back to me a few days ago…there is something there. You catch it too.
On a final note, a friend said to me just this morning when I kidded again, ‘but Jesus walks beside us to brighten the journey.’ It’s true. We never feel like it, but don’t you think only a wicked father leaves his children comfortless? That would depend on which father you know sha o....
This is from a sister in intense pain; you don’t have to bear yours alone OOOHHHH.
Be Free oh.